Yeah, The Pearl Is Great. For Me To Poop On.

Continuing this blog’s focus on only the most mature and tasteful news stories, I’m proud to report that the Portland Water Bureau found E. coli in a Washington Park resevoir this weekend.

That’s right. Shit in the water.

Thankfully, the areas being advised to boil their tap water before drinking are strictly west of the Willamette, so yours truly didn’t have to deal with feces in her Nalgene. The most (well, only) awesome thing about Poopocalypse ’09 is perhaps that the affected areas include the relatively pricey, hipster-and-yuppie-infected West Hills, Pearl District, and Northwest 23rd neighborhoods. Flip on the news and its all “GHOST TOWN in Uptown!” and “I bought this SoBe cuz’ they’re out of Aquafina but oh wait what about brushing my teeth” and “how much bottled water can you really carry on a bike anyway?”

In fact, I’m starting to think that someone shit in the water for THIS VERY REASON. Like, why THIS resevoir? Because it’s hilarious. And what better way to dissuade would-be PDX immigrants than a demonstration that the Rose City does not, in fact, actually shit roses?

(related video: Outkast!!! We love them. They’re freaky, though. Not just because they talk about girls pooping, which NEVER HAPPENS.)



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4 responses to “Yeah, The Pearl Is Great. For Me To Poop On.

  1. ShittyLiving

    I’m in NW and it sucks, someone definitely dropped their drawers, dangled their anus over Washington Park, and shit right in our water. From the fence it’s a good 10 feet so I bet they ate at one of those food venders at Saturday Market, you know the ones with the “10 days of Diarrhea Diet via Taco for $1”, I think the only place in the world to get that kind of explosive anal power is from Saturday market. Projectile fecal water contamination, fuck.

    I’ll bet it was someone from Alberta, even though their rent prices are just as high as ours now, they still demand they are counterculture and not hip. There is no gentrification motherfucker! We are not trust-funders from Lake Oswego fuck you we are poor artists paying $1200/month for a co-op!

    This is what I will do: I will retaliate and shit in their water. Alberta, you ex-pat LO cunts, you have shit coming in your water.

    Last year it was the snow storm that brought Portland to a halt, this year it is the ShitWater Wars. I actually saw a lady down in the Pearl pouring her $4000 mini-shit yapper purse-dog a glass of water out of a $6 Fiji bottle, oh and of course the dog had a sweater on. I like to wear a sweater over my fur coat too, why the fuck not? I didn’t evolve a fur coat for nothing, I have this fucking fur coat so you can put a $250 cashmere dog sweater on this shit. Fuck yea. It’s stylish.

    Ugh, I am embarrassed to be associated with this neighborhood. FML.

    Well, I’m thirsty, time to boil some more water!

    • Emmy

      I see now the downside of such fierce neighborhood pride…now we must literally shit on our fellow city-dwellers to show dominance. Maybe we could bring everyone together by blaming it on a tourist?

      Also I like how “boil the water” became “buy a bunch of water and act like it’s the apocalypse.” Disasters are fun!

  2. jt

    Yes there is a stereotype…but must you prejudge everyone!

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